Battered women Saved my life
We don’t really say battered women anymore…we say domestic abuse survivors..domestic violence victims…sexual assault survivors…(“survivor” whenever possible as its more empowering and dignifying to a person than “victim”)
These women would save my life.
I found myself in Domestic Violence advocacy after I graduated from IHOPU. (IHOP-KC’s ministry school/unaccredited “university”) It would take at least 5 years for a common sentiment the women would say to one day hit me like a load of bricks.
“The bones heal..the bruises fade away…but its the emotional abuse..the mental abuse..the horrible name calling and being worn down to nothing….that takes YEARS to recover from.”
I saw some really terrible things working in Domestic Violence. Women beaten so badly they were basically bed-ridden, barely able to care for themselves. Broken bones, massive scars, gun shot victims..one still bleeding through an inadequate ER bandage as we filled out restraining order paperwork..
I don’t know how many times I heard them say something to the effect of: the emotional abuse is the worst. The psychological abuse is what gets you…eats at your soul….
…How could they feel this way? Some of their eyes were so hard to look in- to wonder how much force is required from a fist…or some other object…to create such a terrifying purple-yellow color…hard to not imagine what a blow like that would feel like …
I wondered if they were minimizing their pain. Was this just something to say to temper the appropriate reactions of horror they’d received in response to their bruises? (the ones that were visible…?)
"What hurts the most is the emotional abuse."
-domestic violence survivor.
I won’t ever forget their faces. They weren’t all black and blue but some of those bruises…man..they’ll haunt your dreams…
There I was, 4-5 years into the advocacy work and several more removed from IHOP. I recognized I had lots of unresolved issues from my time in ministry- likely from my church upbringing also. Throwing oneself into high-stress advocacy work at the crisis level is an extremely effective distraction.
I couldn’t say what did it- one day I realized their words applied to me- I allowed almost those words to apply to me. Maybe these women could see the pain on my face the same way I could see the bruising on theirs…sometimes survivors just know.
Perhaps it was just two women I happened to know pretty well- telling me one day with emphatic enthusiasm as they came to collect some witch hazel (great for bruising btw)..
“What hurts the most is the emotional abuse…what’s really bad is the mental and psychological abuse…” their heads slowly nodding…mmm-HMMMM and emphatic “yeeees! yes..” agreements…they talk of the real work ahead in addition to how their bruising is healing and how much coverup makeup they need this week compared to last…
And I’m sitting there..realizing in that moment there’s a mountain of invisible emotional and psychological abuse strapped to my shoulders.
I guess I should listen to them…I thought..they keep telling me the bruises that hurt the worst are ones you can’t see…
Don’t misunderstand me: I would never trade places with these women. Ever.
From the depths of my soul- with every fiber of my being- if there is some magical line for justice that exists- they can have my place in it. I’ll extend every effort holding their hands and leading them to the front. Essentially that’s what I did for years. (How I wish there was a real line one could wait in for justice…) I could write volumes on the trauma and suffering I’ve witnessed..comparing my experience to theirs in any way certainly feels wrong.
But that day I decided to listen to them. Really listen. Allow myself to finally see I maybe had more in common with them than I’d ever felt permission to recognize or acknowledge.
You’ve never been beaten or battered. This is real abuse. Nothing happened to you, Jo. You’ve had it good. Look at what these women have survived? How dare you complain…
But they were so brave…seriously. So unbelievably brave ..with a truly stunning strength I’d never seen before and I doubt I’ll ever see again. Their words hit me different that day- I had to heed their wisdom. Of course I never wanted to wear bruises like theirs…but I knew one thing for sure:
I had been swimming in emotional and psychological abuse for years.
more to come..
